Everything at TopatoCo is on sale this Black Friday! And by “on sale” we mean “offered for purchase”. Nothing is held back for ourselves; all products mounded ‘neath this stately roof should be considered commerce-ready. Would you like any of them? Would someone you know? This is a question every generation must ask itself. This is the second-most-pressing inquiry of the present age, just after “how many more things can I wrap with bacon before my fingers literally slip off of whatever I am holding and Nature’s stern laws put an end to my shenanigans.” This is the defining moment of a young thing’s life, as it regards the products on a shiny flat screen and wonders, just for the briefest of moments, how they would feel in three dimensions. This is what Riding the Lord must be like.

Here at TopatoCo we are a little perplexed by all this “Black Friday” hoohah. We hear news reports of people being trampled by crazed other-people in pursuit of ridiculous items, and of stores both manned and populated by registered lunatics whose only thought is to snap chaos around like a whip until it weaves the fabric of reality itself into some sort of 50¢-off coupon for a cheese-slicer, and of adulthood being subsumed into slavering juvenilia with tears and madness the only result, and all we can think is “That is us every day! Why is Wal-Mart getting all the press?” The answer, of course, is because Wal-Mart always gets the press. Wal-Mart owns the press. Wal-Mart eats the press. Wait what is the press.

Did you know we have an affiliate program? That means you can link to stuff you like from TopatoCo and then earn money back if folks buy stuff via your link! Right now we’re paying back 7% of whatever we get paid for that stuff. You can sign up for the program by pressing here and then all you got to do is post some links using your affiliate code. This is a new thing we’re offering so please be careful with it, the batteries that came with it are the cheap store brand so they might leak that white crusty stuff on your fingers but if they do we are totally not responsible.

At this point we have passed the deadline to order a product using International First Class mail and reasonably expect it to be delivered to a foreign country by Christmas. Guarantees are cheap to issue and expensive to cash, so we are reluctant to make them, but as of this capricious instant we do feel pretty confident about International Priority Mail and all domestic service. The Int’l First Class service is run by chihuahuas anyway so you non-Americans should really be using Priority Mail for the best chances of success. We don’t like it any more than you do, and we would recommend that all complaints be directed to the U.S. Postmaster General. Writing him an angry letter will probably not get you put on any sort of a government list, but again, we cannot truthfully promise anything. The full list of holiday shipping deadlines is here and also along the top of every page in the store!